It’s one of those days where I just feel like a big fuck-up.
In my long, boring meeting this morning, a coworker of mine got a multi-level award (as in two different levels of management recognized her, so she got plaque-thingies and monetary rewards from both, and of course a big round of applause and gushing from all of us there). I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve it – I know she does good work – but she’s only been here less than a year. I’ve been here for nearly 4, and have gotten little teeny pats on the back, but nothing of that magnitude (I’m a very Give Me A Validating Gold Star For A Job Well Done kind of girl). So it’s not like I want to kick her in the face, I just would like that pat on the head. (Good girl!) But instead of being motivated to do better work, I came back to my desk and pouted and fucked off for a little while.

Then I got my head together, did some work, felt a little better, and then got called out twice in a span of 30 minutes for making minor but careless mistakes on two different things I sent out. And I felt stupid. I still feel stupid. I’m the chastised puppy.

I know that I’m still quite new to my position, and so it’s expected that there will be some growing pains, but still – I hate feeling dumb and Not Knowing Shit I Feel Like I Should Know. The most cruel thing you can do to me is to allude to a secret or tell an inside joke, sans explanation, in front of me, and flaunt it. It makes me feel like an uncool 12 year-old again. It brings up that insecurity I’ve had as long as I can remember: that everyone else is cooler and smarter than I could ever hope to be, and the only reason anyone talks to me is either out of pity or for more fodder to make fun of me behind my back later.

And I know that’s a little ridiculous – it’s just my bruised ego and sleep deprivation talking – but still. So, I’m going to leave now and go do several things, at least one of which should make me feel better: get ice cream, get drunk, and get laid.

Good evening to you.