Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Ugh, I am soooo over July.
The past several weeks have been busy and rough, and I wish that life had a fast forward button so I could zip through the next few weeks without having to actually deal with them. I dragged myself out of bed and through the motions of getting ready this morning, and I was pulling in the parking lot here at workwhen I realized that I may have forgotten to apply deodorant this morning. Hmmm. I have a stash of stuff for such occasions, but I’ll admit that as soon as I got to my desk and saw my inbox, I forgot about it…until a few minutes ago when I went to the bathroom and saw in my reflection three large telltale powdery white streaks across the shoulder of my navy blue shirt, which I’ve apparently been parading around with all morning. Awesome. Not so much a Secret, I guess. (I know, that was weak, but I had to.)

I was out of the office most of the day yesterday to attend a funeral for my great aunt. I spent 8+ hours with my mom and assorted family that I haven’t seen in probably five years, since my grandfather’s funeral. (I thought about it again and realized they probably came to my wedding in 2004, but I can’t remember a lot of that day). It was kind of surreal. I get extremely uncomfortable at funerals, and I did not really know that aunt nor do I know that branch of my family very well. It was physically and emotionally tiring to speak in platitudes all afternoon. I hate doing that; I hate being fake and formal, but apparently I’m good at it. I don’t know if that’s something to be proud of – I don’t think adding “Excellent bullshitter” to my qualifications necessarily makes me a more valuable employee.

As usual, I am struggling for breath under mounds of unfinished work (and yeah, I know, I’m whining about feeling overwhelmed but I still find enough time to whine). I am very, very close to waving a sad little white flag and admitting that I Really Don’t Know If I Can Do This. I keep thinking that I’d feel better if I could just have a really good cry, and (self-serving as it sounds) I’d thought that the funeral might be a good, obvious trigger, but no dice. I listened to a sappy song, finally alone in my car on the way home last night, but I could only squeeze out three little half-assed tears. I never thought it would be so frustrating to be unable to cry. Maybe that’s what it’s like to be a dude…

4 comments:

The Bouldins said...

You could be in a rush to get to the doctor's office and lock yourself out of the house on the morning your husband is flying to NJ and your brother-in-law is in NC and your neighbors are out of town. That made me cry.

Seriously, though, needing to cry, but not being able to freaks me out. Because I know that when something sends me over the edge, I'll be making a long, non-stop trip and it'll probably be at a totally inappropriate moment. Feelings stress me out.

Allie Bear said...

If you really need a good cry read Wally Lamb's I Know This Much Is True. It's an amazing book and terribly sad. Good luck.

I am Trish Marie said...

I skip the crying and go straight for screaming at people. Maybe that is why people are always telling me what a bitch I am?

Megan said...

Gosh, I'm feeling for you, I can understand what you're going through, it's frustrating, to say the least. Here's to hoping that you'll get sorted out soon. Maybe a viewing of Terms Of Endearment would do the trick. Great movie, great actors, and it could just be the thing to flip the switch in your tear ducts...