Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Purge

Tomorrow is the first day of October; the last quarter of 2008.

Earlier this year I decided to take a step back from the fertility treatments for a while – just get back to normal and focus on my husband and work more. I told myself and J that, if necessary, in the fall I would go back to the doctor and get back on the babymaking bandwagon again. So now it’s here, and my business is still not working on its own. And I don’t know if I want to go and do it all over again.

It’s not that I’ve at all wavered on having a baby; I still want children, I still want to get pregnant. But the idea of going through the hormones-sex-sex-sex-wait-test-wait-cry-lather-rinse-repeat cycle does not exactly have me jumping out of bed in the morning. It was incredibly stressful, and I wish I could just swallow the watermelon seed like that girl told me on the playground when I was five. And here’s where I get into the part of the post that makes me want to step out of myself, look at the girl that’s sitting here typing this and ask, “Who the hell are you?”: I keep thinking about the idea of putting things on hold and focusing on my career. Believe me when I say that I never, never, never EVER thought I’d be writing those words. Until I got my current job, I always figured that once I started having children, I’d take a few years off to stay at home full-time until my children were in school. But now: I love working.

My work is challenging and stressful and a new set of the same old problems and obstacles to tackle every week, and even though I bitch about it and my coworkers sometimes, I really love what I do. It is damn cool. I’m getting better (hopefully!) every day, and I’m still learning so much. Is it fair for me to divide my time and my loyalties between two things that I care so much about: my family and my career? Am I kidding myself that I’m even good enough at what I do that I should even consider trying to stick with it throughout pregnancy and babyhood; will I still be taken as seriously if I take 3 months of maternity leave, and come back high on baby fumes? I feel at enough of a disadvantage as it is – I’m nearly ten years younger or more than most of my counterparts, and I feel like that and my newness not just to this position but to the organization in general means I have to work even harder. Am I stupid to try to throw parenthood in the mix? Or am I stupid to let a job keep me from doing the One Thing I have know I wanted for as long as I can remember?

And I know I’m just 26 and it’s not like my ovaries are shriveling up into raisins, but for some reason I feel like if I don’t start this now, I will have to wait until 2010 (or later?) to finish out what I feel like is a commitment I’ve made. But again, am I overestimating my worth and value to my company? I may get 2 years down the road and it will be determined that they really don’t need me anymore, and I will have wasted my time.

I’m just afraid of overcommitting myself and, in typical Gin fashion, doing many things Just Okay instead of a few things Well. Will I be making the choice of Mediocre-At-Best Mom/Wife/Worker Bee vs. Good Wife/Worker Bee?

3 comments:

Amanda said...

Gin - such honest sentiments. I can say that I think you are having the same thoughts many of us have, and I am proud that you are actually stopping and considering them rather than just brushing them aside.

Although I didn't have the same pregnancy issues you have, I totally understand the work issues. I love my job and HAVE to have that adult interaction in order for me to be a good mom. I would have made a terrible stay at home mom.

However, I am now ready to quit, and have time to myself, only myself. Looking at the stock market lately, THAT won't be happening any time soon!

jamie said...

I have been going through a similar "plan change" - I had always thought we'd start down the kid road after I got done with school, but since Chris has had such a hard time in the job market, it looks like I will have to stay gainfully employed for a while without taking much time off. I've got to remain in the job market so we have some financial stability until someone decides to hire my husband ... We won't be able to have the big things we want (house, kid, money in the bank) if I don't stay in the workforce consistently for the next couple of years. 30, here's looking at you for the kid age ...

Sigh. Let's go back to high school, OK? Seriously? It was so much easier back then ...

Megan said...

Lots of food for thought. Don't you wish it were all easy? I'm so thrilled for you that you have a job that you love (I envy you every time I see your ISP). Do you have a mentor there? Isthere anyone that you'd like as your mentor? These could be good questions to ask a person like that (of course you can always find a mentor outside of your work). I too am hoping to have a child soon, but at 35 it's a little more urgent for me. I've really got to get on the stick!