Saturday, September 5, 2009

Douchebag Riot

So we had family over for dinner last night, and had noticed over the course of the evening that more and more cars were driving up to our neighbor's house (their backyard backs up to the side of our backyard). Some had even driven up our (long) driveway and walked up to our house assuming 3+cars in a drive = party. We walked our family out at 10:30, and looked over into the neighbor's yard, and could see at least 50-60 kids in their driveway and playing beer pong in the garage. John, old man that he is, sat in a chair on our back patio (maybe 30 yards away) and watched the stupidity unfold. Not wanting him to get lonely, I turned off our floodlight and joined him. (We were hidden by our barbecue pit - thank God John hadn't moved it when I asked him to weeks ago).

It was so ridiculous it was funny. We witnessed half-naked drunk girls falling all over each other, dudes walking out into the dark of the backyard to pee along the back of the house, general teenage douchebaggery, some chick falling down drunk and puking.

Me: "I kind of wish we were invisible, so we could get up closer to witness the idiocy."
John: "If we were ninjas, we could."
Me: "That is awesome. I am totally going to post about this."

By 11:30, things were in full swing, which could mean it was time for only one thing: a drunken fight. We heard dudes yelling ("GARY!!! GARY!!! DUDE!!! STOP IT!!! GARY!!!), chicks screaming ("I AM THE FUCKING ADULT HERE! I AM THE FUCKING ADULT HERE!" Nice.), and suddenly there was a brawl. After a couple of minutes, it hadn't broken up, more people (girls, too!) were getting involved, and it was spilling into the street and into other neighbor's yards, many of the kids started to scatter like cockroaches, and I called the cops.

John said I wouldn't admit to being a narc on my blog, but dude, drunk teenagers fighting and then peeling off into the night = not cool. I was a good girl in high school, but I went to parties where alcohol was served, but I was not stupid enough to a) partake in someone's front yard, and b) stay in a venue where it was OBVIOUS that shit was going to go down.

And let me say I'm not against house parties in general - I generally have no problem with loud music, the sounds of faint shouting and laughter, and cars parked up and down the road (assuming I don't have to work the next day). The advantage of having the houses out here spread farther apart means you can get a little louder. But when your bodily fluids threaten to encroach onto my property, we have a problem.

Ten minutes later, the fight and screaming is still going, and the sheriff shows up, lights blazing.
First two cars.
Then three.
Then four.

At this point I'll note that our house is at the entrance of the neighborhood, on the street that is the only way out. Because there were so many cars still parked along the street and kids still trying to drive off to get away, the cops blocked the street and set up a check point. At the end of our driveway. This is where I wish to God I'd thought to take a picture, because seriously: how often are four lit-up cop cruisers, half a dozen cars, and a line of 20+ scared shitless teenagers lined up in front of your house? How bizarre. It was nearly 2 this morning before the last of the mommies and daddies showed up to escort their children home and the cops finally left.

No one was arrested, and I told John that these kids probably just got the piss scared out of them, it kept them from driving off drunk and reckless into the night, they will probably be grounded from a month ("OMG, what if I can't go to Homecoming!") and maybe scared them straight (at least for a while).

So what are the morals of the story?
1. Don't be an idiot.
2. If you're going to be an underage-drinking idiot, at least try to be discreet.
3. Gary is a d-bag.
4. Get the hell off my lawn.


John said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
John said...

Hey! Don't call me an old man. I was just amusing myself with the sights and sounds of stupidity. My wife is the narc who called the fuzz. Not cool!

Electric Monk said...

AWESOME story, but here's what I learned from it: deep down, John really wishes he were a ninja.

Anonymous said...

found your blog, bloghopping. Maybe from Shindig.
I would have done the same thing. I was also a good girl in HS.Went to some parties. But never threw one at my own house. My sister and I are 7yrs apart, so when she was in HS she would throw parties at our house when my parents and I would go out of town. The scary things I would find in my room when i was 10. I think it is great that you called the cops. They need to be scared. Too bad you couldn't get closer to see there scared face. Especially Gary's.
Sorry for my rambling, but you did say you loved comments.

Allie said...

LOL, this was great. I love witnessing teenagers act like idiots, it reminds me of the good ol' days. I would have called the cops too though, if there is one thing I cannot stand it's drunk drivers, especially teenage ones. Next time though, you really need to take pictures!

Anonymous said...

Favorite line: "general teenage douchebaggery" ... LMAO. Sounds like hilarity ensued well into the evening which is always a pleasant break from normalcy. Thanks for sharing!