Having a reeeeally hard time waking up this morning. My mind is fuzzy and slow, and I don’t feel like talking to people.

I’m sure a lot of this gray fog has to do with a conversation I had with my mom yesterday.

I alluded to her guilt trip the other day – she was giving me a hard time because I took a pass on a trip that she and my dad wanted me and J to take with them. We had planned to go out of town already on the weekend previous to the Parent Trip, and it would just be too much traveling and expense in a short period of time, so I told her we couldn’t make it this time, and that’s what caused the problem.

Our already-scheduled trip will kick off a busy period of mandatory family-related traveling in the April-May timeframe, and I feel like, given the stress I have already felt this year, and the anticipated aggro of the family-related trips, we will need that chill time to build up the mental strength that it will require to keep us from strangling my relatives.

Anyway, my mom stopped by for a bit yesterday (she started out surprisingly pleasant), and the conversation came around to my hormone treatments/efforts at conception. There I am, crying over my frustration over the whole situation, and her response is “It seems like you’re rushing and overstressing over all of this”, and then promptly changed the subject back to her inability to make up her mind about taking a trip to Hawaii later this year. Right.

I dried up and made it through the rest of her visit, but when she left, I flipped out. How could my own mother be so callous about something that is obviously a big deal to me??? I understand that everyone thinks their own shit is the most important, but it would be nice for her to at least pretend to care. I told her not in hopes that my worries would become her priority, but mostly so she would maybe realize that my world does not revolve around her petty disagreements with my sister and my aunt, or her latest imagined ailment. I realize that what I’m going through, in terms of infertility treatment and the world in general, pales in comparison to what most people go through, but guess what? It’s a big deal to ME, and I had hoped that she could at least respect the concerns of her own fucking daughter.

I ranted and raved to J for a while, and he sympathized, but pointed out that everyone’s own stresses are consuming in their own mind, but not necessarily to others (which I acknowledged), and also hinted that my mom might be making light of my concerns as a passive-aggressive way of “paying me back” for backing out of the trip with her and my dad. The sad truth is that I wouldn’t put it past her to do that – we’ve had a rough time in the past, and she’s done that and worse to me before.

It hurts me that I feel like my own mother is not on my side with this.
I have some awesome friends that are always there with words of encouragement when I need it, whether it’s re: all this hormone/pregnancy shit, or work, or whatever, but they are all, literally, thousands of miles away; and J is amazing, but acknowledges that, as far as these treatments go, I feel the disappointment and frustration in a way that he never can. And I understand that, but that makes me feel even more alone.

It would have been nice to feel like I have someone else local in my corner, but I just don’t think I can tell my mom anything about it anymore. And that sucks. The past couple of years, our relationship had improved so much – for the first time, I felt like I could confide in my mom, but now it feels like she’s going back to her old way of exploiting my confidences as vulnerabilities. And I suffered through too much of that shit before to let her do it again.