Sunday, January 11, 2009

I didn't leave the house today.

We went out to hear a band last night, and didn't get in until late, so I'd set my alarm for 9 so I wouldn't sleep the day away. And once again, I woke up with a start before 7, in a cold sweat and anxious. This time I couldn't divert myself out of it, and I had a panic attack - the first I've had in a month, but one of the worst. This was also the first that J has been witness to - before they've all been after he's left for work.

He found me, shaking, crying, hyperventilating, grabbing fistfuls of couch, trying to fight It. And his perfectly logical solution to the situation was, "Just calm down. You worry too much." At which point I totally lost it, started screaming at him to leave me the fuck alone, and I collapsed into a full-blown mess, dry-heaving into a trashcan. Finally after about 30 minutes, I was able to get up, clean myself up, and I collapsed into bed. J rolled over and looked at me with eyes that said I Know I Was Wrong, Please Read My Mind And Understand.

And I told him, "I know this doesn't make sense to you. You don't understand it and it scares you, and you don't know what to do to help. But I need you to understand that this is beyond just having a bad day, a bad week, beyond being caught in a weak moment. This is my brain and my body defying all logic and scaring the fuck out of me. I'm coping the best I know how. Please don't insinuate that I'm just being overdramatic, because I would do ANYTHING to not be this way."

I took my meds, and slept for a little while. I've spent the day in a fog.

I don't know what to do.


Allie said...

I'm sorry, that really sucks. I hope you can get it all sorted out but unfortunately I don't have any ideas to help.


I am Trish Marie said...

Ugh. I wish I had the answer for you. I hope it makes you feel slightly better to know that others have gone through this. For me, it was when Emmi started to get better. You know, when everyone expected for me to finally be okay. The thing is, I had been okay until then. Then I started to panic, and no one understood why then. I didn't even really get it. There is no logic to it. It isn't something you choose or set your mind to. It is hard for other people to udnerstand something you can't really explain yourself.

I hope that you are having a better day today.

I stole your Prozac said...

First, I have been a voyeur for about 3 months of your blog. I have it tagged in my bookmark list. Is that weird? probably. Let's move on.

Second, I know the process very well. You are doing well, taking your meds, talking to your doctor, etc and then whamo, the panic bus hits you as you are merrily crossing the street. Bad news: it happens. Good news: you aren't dead. You may wish differently for a period of time, but ultimately it is possible to get a superhero like strength and pick the panic bus up and break it in half.

Lastly, people leave the house on Sundays? I believe I heard something about a day of rest once upon a time and pretty much took that to mean Sundays are for staying in bed as much as one desires/needs to guilt-free.


jamie said...

Per our convo tonight -

1) You are not crazy.
3) Don't hesitate to reach out and grab on to me, John, a cat, whatever, and ask for help and acknowledgment that you will get through this.

Love you.

Megan said...

Oh, I feel for you. If there is anything that I can do to help, please let me know. Anything at all. Just know that I care!