I didn't leave the house today.

We went out to hear a band last night, and didn't get in until late, so I'd set my alarm for 9 so I wouldn't sleep the day away. And once again, I woke up with a start before 7, in a cold sweat and anxious. This time I couldn't divert myself out of it, and I had a panic attack - the first I've had in a month, but one of the worst. This was also the first that J has been witness to - before they've all been after he's left for work.

He found me, shaking, crying, hyperventilating, grabbing fistfuls of couch, trying to fight It. And his perfectly logical solution to the situation was, "Just calm down. You worry too much." At which point I totally lost it, started screaming at him to leave me the fuck alone, and I collapsed into a full-blown mess, dry-heaving into a trashcan. Finally after about 30 minutes, I was able to get up, clean myself up, and I collapsed into bed. J rolled over and looked at me with eyes that said I Know I Was Wrong, Please Read My Mind And Understand.

And I told him, "I know this doesn't make sense to you. You don't understand it and it scares you, and you don't know what to do to help. But I need you to understand that this is beyond just having a bad day, a bad week, beyond being caught in a weak moment. This is my brain and my body defying all logic and scaring the fuck out of me. I'm coping the best I know how. Please don't insinuate that I'm just being overdramatic, because I would do ANYTHING to not be this way."

I took my meds, and slept for a little while. I've spent the day in a fog.

I don't know what to do.