Tuesday, July 20, 2010

A ridiculous story. That's sort of two. But they are related.

Note 1: this started as an email to Jamie and Jo, but realized that this story must be shared with the world.
Note 2: Two posts in one day, MY GOD THIS IS ALL-CAPS WORTHY.

This has nothing to do with my idiot sister, BTW (ha!). Also, this is kinda squicky.

So we have had a roach problem on our floor at work for some time – this happens every year from spring to fall, and no matter how many times the bug dude comes and sprays, we still see them fairly often. This year it’s gotten a bit worse, and the vermin have been making appearances in the large conference room my division uses for most of their meetings. There was an incident yesterday in the middle of our division staff meeting (which of course I was not at, because all the notable stuff has to happen WHEN I’M NOT THERE), in which a roach was crawling on the back of the chair of one of our mid-managers who was at the head table. One of my coworkers decided the best remedy for this situation was to try to brush the bug off the chair with his foot without any explanation, so to anyone who hadn’t seen the bug, it looked like he was walking up to this manager and kicking the back of her chair. I’m told that his explanation of, “Oh, there was a roach on the back of her chair” caused my Big Boss, her Second, and Semi Big Boss to squeal, raise their feet off the floor, and push away from the table in one fluid, girly motion. (I got a very detailed play-by-play after the fact, complete with reaction shots and sound effects.) Eventually, the roach was located and destroyed, in very dramatic fashion, by a co-worker at the front of the room, mid-presentation. I think they may have thrown a parade in his honor. Anyway.

Sooooo, I came in to work this morning for my 6 a.m. telecon, in the same conference room. It is 6:20, and we are all bleary-eyed and quiet, waiting for the translator to, uh, translate the point just made by one of the international dudes on the line. Then all of a sudden, my (very pregnant and adorable) co-worker rises out of her chair, squealing, and my first thought is, OH MY GOD HER WATER BROKE SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE AND GET ME A BALL OF TWINE AND ALL THE CLEAN TOWELS YOU CAN FIND, AND THE SCISSORS, AND DON’T COME TELLING ME YOU CAN’T FIND THEM. Turns out there was a huge roach crawling on the arm of her chair. And so there commenced wailing and gnashing of teeth as we all tried to run away without looking like too much of a fool. Meanwhile, the international dudes are still on the line, and they are all, WHAT THE EFF IS HAPPENING OVER THERE. It took several tries, interrupted by more squeals as the roach changed directions in its skittering, to communicate that, Yes, we here in Texas are freaking out over the appearance of a bug in the conference room. Eventually things calmed down, and the roach was destroyed, but we were never the same. I couldn’t bring myself to put my feet on the floor, because I’m wearing a skirt and open-toed shoes and what if another one crawls over here and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT BRUSHING AGAINST MY LEG. Also, the international dudes probably think we are a bunch of candyass wusses, but YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN THE SIZE OF THIS THING.

But some of them will be in town in a few days, for a week-long conference in this building, where they will (probably, unfortunately) be able to see for themselves that everything is, in fact, bigger in Texas.

Pic of actual roach in our actual conference room, although not of the actual roaches in either story - this was taken for a previous, uh, experiment. Mad props to C for actually getting close enough to take a picture of a roach, while simultaneously holding a pocket flashlight for better lighting, as I cowered in the opposite corner of the room and played lookout so no one would see we were taking pictures of roaches in the conference room.



Ms. E said...

Thanks for the nightmares.

I am Trish Marie said...


My sis and I were up late the other night (you know, with three kids sleeping right above us) when we saw a roach on the wall. We decided against waking repective hubbies and my seven-year-old nephew to save us. Although, we ended up waking almost everyone in the house when I became convinced the roach had jumped off the wall onto my pajama pants.

ZDub said...

Pretty much the only thing I can recall about living in Texas is the BUGS.

OMG, the bugs. Everywhere.

I love that you photographed the roach. Thank you, you know I can't follow along without a visual.

Also, "Grab the twine" is my new favorite phrase.


atincupchalice.com said...

OH. MY. G. For reals. Roaches are my least favorite thing probably in the whole wide world. UGH. I'm totally getting the shivers right now just thinking about them. Seriously, I'd be bringing in an extra strength bottle of Ortho Home Defense and spraying the SHIT out of my area and everywhere I go. I'd rather die from pesticides than let those little a-holes anywhere around me.